During class on Thursday, my head was definintey at the cane and not on the destination. I was so concerned with staying in step, walking fast enough, and not falling that I really couldn't visualize the end destination. I totally got caught up in the minutiae of the route. So, I had those terrible halting steps that make you mess up. I'd realize how crazy my gait was, stop walking, and try to stop walking like a fool, but then I'd take another step, run into something unexpected, and get nervous enough to resume the shuffling walk.
I still don't understand what happened on Duval, I don't know if it looked okay, and I just fooled everyone, but I don't know how to get from point A to point B. Maybe Lauren just made a teaching choice to move forward so I wouldn't be frustrated or because of time, but I didn't master the area, for sure, and I don't think I could do it independently and reliability. I don't even know how to describe how it made me feel. It was almost like I couldn't express to Lauren how I didn't understand it because I was embarrassed that I didn't know and couldn't do it yet. Because I should know it by now. I've done the area 5 times! So, in my embarrassment, I just let her move on. It was a really odd, powerless feeling, and I'm not a fan. I want to be sure that my students don't ever feel like that because I can see how it's such a block for learning. It's silly, really, but I'm not sure how to get around it other than to press through.
I wonder if planning on going down the stairs at the Duval/College intersection would reduce some of my anxiety with the end of that leg. As it is now, the stairs are a hazard to avoid dying on, but if they were part of the route, they might be less scary and more necessary since they'd just be part of the route and less a danger to avoid. Because now, I want to avoid them, but I might miss them, and I get consumed with the fact that I might miss them and die. But, if they were part of the route, I would be focused on finding them and thinking intelligently about navigating them instead of skirting around them in anxiety.
The area on College between Duval and Bronough threw me off again. I wonder if part of the problem was the sound bouncing off the building. It was so hard to isolate the direction of the traffic sounds. I think I was too close to the building, and that somehow impacted the sound patterns. But, I was afraid to move closer to the traffic because there is no curb there to provide a warning that traffic is coming. I've seen Lauren wander into the road there a few times, so I could just see myself doing what she's done.
At the end of each leg and my route, my self-doubt was so high that I didn't trust the feedback others were giving me. I was very disappointed in my performance, and though others were telling me I did okay, I didn't feel like that was true. This sounds awful, but in the moment, I thought I was being placated (in that way that all teachers give positive spin to everything) because I was not doing well and didn't need to get too frustrated. In the end, I was really just trying to fake competence because I was totally uncomfortable with my performance.
Next time, I've really got to leave this under confident version of me behind, because I think all my stumbling, unsure steps stem from the fact that I didn't want to do anything wrong, and of course, taking those weird steps made me do more things wrong. I think next time, I've just got to make up my mind to be confident, and then I think things will fall into place better.
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