The End (For Now)

            So, of course I learned some awesome technical skills, and I feel really good about the travel skills I’ve acquired, but I think the biggest change I’ve noticed through the semester has been my confidence level while traveling.  At first I was really afraid to take any chances.  I’d get stuck, and I’d over think things so much that I’d be afraid to move.  But lately, I haven’t been quite so worried about trying something that may or may not work.  I really think this confidence arose as I began to trust myself and the people keeping me safe more.  So, I suppose I take from this lesson the fact that to have my students feel confident and be successful, I’ve got to build strong rapport and trust, but I’ve also got to take the time to help them become more confident in their own skills.

           

            One change that I didn’t really put together until this weekend was that my expectations of blind people are even higher than they were before.  I think before I was afraid to challenge what I thought were bad traveling skills, but now that I have some knowledge, I know for sure they were bad skills, though I won’t be challenging much until I’m all certified and legit.  I see a real correlation between dependence and poor O&M skills.  I was at camp this past weekend, and I just couldn’t believe the horrible skills that the majority of our campers have.  About half of the campers walked off the back of the trailer from the hayride holding their cane under their arms.  There was complete trust that someone else would tell them about the two drop offs and keep them safe.  It makes me so angry that other people facilitated this dependence and also that our campers don’t do anything about it.  I think O&M skills really are the key skill and the difference between being successful and being an awkward, dependent blind person.  I think it bothers me so much because I think sighted people make so many excuses for blind people.  “Oh, but they’re blind, so they can’t possibly do something hard.”  Of course, without the high expectations, they never will.  Here’s where our class comes in: since I’ve done so many of these O&M tasks myself, I’m not really too sympathetic to blind people.  I know it’s scary, and we’ve just had a taste of how nerve-wracking being blind could be, but I’ve learned that you’ve just got to suck it up and keep moving, even when you’re scared.

            I’ve also developed a lot more confidence in my teaching.  The whole time we were inside, I really dreaded teaching because I was so worried I would mess up, and as a result, Lauren wouldn’t learn what I wanted to teach her.  I think I finally realized that if I think carefully and keep my student safe, then we will both be successful. 

            So, I’m really, really excited to keep learning more semester.  I just love the mental challenge and the problem solving, and I can’t wait to try more. 

Streets: Day 3

            Today was a really good day.  I wasn’t afraid to go under blindfold like I’ve been before.  Maybe I was too tired and cold to worry; I’m not sure what the deal was, but I like the result.  Worrying less caused me to make fewer mistakes and be more successful.  Being successful on the first steps made me more confident, and as I got more confident, I became more comfortable.  I can see a day when I’m not so totally consumed by the mechanics of moving the cane and my body in sync that I can begin to take in environmental information more naturally and perhaps even enjoy the walk.  For the first time, I could listen to everyone else’s conversations without missing lots of steps.  Obviously, my skills have a long way to go, but it’s nice to feel so hopeful!  Take home lesson: help students be successful.  It colors their perceptions in the best ways.

            Teaching Billy went pretty well, I think.  Billy’s a good traveler, so that helps.  I think I’ve just got to learn that I’m not going to know everything I’m supposed to teach in every single given environment.  Environments are so unique and have so many complex issues.  So, I’ve just got to teach the things the environment presents to me when they are presented.  Outside on the streets, there is so much to teach that it can’t all possibly be taught.  So, I think knowing that gives me some freedom and ease of mind.  I should teach what comes up and things that will be important, and if I miss something the first time around, more opportunities will present themselves.  I know I’ve read this and heard this non-stop from Mickey, but O&M is not an exact science, but I think it’s finally starting to sink in. 

           

            There’s fairly tired educational jargon that says “assessment drives instruction.”  I think it’s particularly true in O&M.  It’s subtle though, because you are constantly assessing.  The skills build so you can’t really move on until earlier ones are mastered.  It seems to hold true in O&M.  You teach what needs to be taught, when it needs to be taught.  What the child needs to learn is what you need to teach him.

            Interestingly, teaching today helped me confirm more of my technical skills.  You have to know the skills well to teach them to someone.  Still, I noticed saying things to Billy that I wasn’t sure I knew yet myself, surprised they spilled out of my mouth.  Example: I have been really nervous about not noticing an intersection and walking right into it, resulting.  Today, when I was teaching Billy, I saw his anxiety increase as he approached the intersection.  Like me, he stopped too far away from the traffic, likely afraid he was in the intersection.  Then, before I realized it, I was helping Billy run through the criteria: sloping down, idling parallel traffic, near perpendicular traffic, truncator bumps.  I didn’t yet feel comfortable practicing the skill myself, but having to help Billy run through it helped to solidify it in my mind.  Obviously, when I’m for real teaching, I’ll have the skills down, but it was still interesting to see myself learning something while teaching it.

            The FM transmitters really helped.  I’m glad we are using those since it makes hearing so much easier.  All in all, it was a pretty cool way to end the semester. 

Streets: Day 2

     I noticed that the things I encountered today made more sense than they did last week.  Perhaps I had an easier stretch, but it was a bit simpler to decipher what the cane was touching today than it was last week.  The grass seemed more discernable from the concrete on the sidewalk.  It also helped to take a direction off the sidewalk and keep checking in on both sides to be sure I was on the sidewalk and not down some driveway.  I felt safer doing this, so I’m sure I walked more confidently as a result.  It really helped to get to walk a long stretch of sidewalk and get the rhythm of walking down.  Sometimes it takes me a while to get in step, so it was just really nice to get the chance to practice doing it right.

     I’m still having a hard time figuring out when I’m at the end of a sidewalk and at an intersection.  I think I’m getting the information about how far away traffic is, but because I’m nervous about ending up in the middle of it, I’m afraid to act on the information.  Like today, I was I heard the traffic from Macomb, but I knew it wasn’t right in my face, so it must be a safe distance away.  But, when I hit a driveway, I suddenly got worried that it was Macomb, so I stopped.  It’s funny how anxiety changes your perceptions (or perhaps how you act on them).

     My cane seems to be sticking a lot in sidewalk cracks or the grass.  I don’t know if it’s my technique (like I’m too heavy handed), or if I’m walking too fast, or something else.  I tried choking up a bit on the handle, but that just seemed to make it worse.  It really throws me off when the cane jabs me, so then I get out of step, and then I have to stop and realign the cane with my feet.  Then, I’m flustered, so I make a few more mistakes.  It’s a vicious little cycle.

     It was really interesting to see Billy get turned around today.  It was especially interesting to notice that once he was in a different place, the cues he was getting from the traffic weren’t going AGAINST what he thought should be there, so he continued on the wrong path.  I figured that if you went too far, you’d be able to figure it out really quickly.   But, it seems that sometimes you have to go through a few intersections to gather enough information, not only to get reoriented, but also to know you are lost in the first place.

Hitting the Streets

     So, that’s what traveling the streets is like!   Now, I see a lot of the reasons that blind people tend to stay at home.  It’s scary, venturing out into the world set up for people who can see.  I can see that without good training, it is incredibly hard to make sense of what you are hearing and feeling when trying to travel.  So perhaps people try, but if they haven’t had the training and maybe a little motivation, it’s an easier choice to stay at home and not venture out independently.

     What surprised me today was that I picking up on all this information, but that I couldn’t do anything about it fast enough.  It’s almost like you can notice something, but before you can do anything about it, it’s too late, and you’ve stumbled on a curb or you’ve gone down a driveway.  I also noticed how hard it is to process what I was hearing.  Inside, there are not as many noises, and they aren’t as loud.  But, outside, everything seems louder and closer, and the environment isn’t closed, so you could just wander off into nothing.  Outside especially, it will be important to cast out everything and just move forward based on what the environment is giving you.

     I can also see how good cane skills are incredibly important.  It’s hard to stay in step, cover both sides, process what the cane is hitting, how you should react, and keep walking forward.  So much information!  I’m thinking this is where the practice comes in.

     I had a really hard time figuring out where the sidewalks ended and the streets began.  I got a little scared that I’d end up in the road and not know it, so I was more nervous about keeping moving.  As soon as I found a slope or change in grade, which was usually a driveway, I was so sure I was in the road.   So I froze, afraid to go further into the road.  When I think about freezing up like that, I realize that it’s really ridiculous.  First, I saw Amber go into the road several times, and she didn’t die, and I also saw Mickey shadowing everyone who was near dangerous traffic.  So, I’m not going to die, I’ve just got to convince myself that I’m safe, and I think I’ll travel more confidently, and as a result, be better.  Surprise!  I think I’m thinking too much. 

The Mall

     Last Tuesday was definitely an interesting day.  I thought I’d be really nervous traveling with the camera watching me, but it turns out that not being able to see the camera made me a lot less self confident.  It was interesting, though, to see the area I traveled right after I traveled it blindfolded.  That rounded corner on the railing didn’t look like I imagined it.  In fact, I had a bit of misinformation about how it was designed.  I’m not sure I would have consistently found that store under blindfold because I thought the rounded edge I found was the one corner, not a piece of a larger arc in the rail.

     Our adventure in Macy’s was quite an experience.  Everyone else has already said this, but it was valuable to have Mickey set the example for good advocacy.  I’m not sure I would have pursued the point as far as Mickey did, but I imagine that’s because of my own fears.  I think Mickey did the right thing, and hopefully, our friends at Macy’s learned something about the abilities of people who are blind.  

Reveal (Take 2)

     I think the most important thing I did today was get lost.  I got lost because I left the route Lauren had taught me, and I did that because I got frustrated with all the things in my way.  I got a little prideful, and I thought I could do better finding the elevator.  So, it was my fault I got lost.  I knew I’d drifted off the line I was trying to walk when my distance awareness kicked in but I thought I’d drifted to the right, not the left.  So, in my mind, I had moved behind the elevator bank from the right side of it. 

     I can generally make several moves and not lose my sense of direction, but since where I was ended up being nowhere near where I expected, I was completely lost.  It was also really loud and chaotic in the hallway, so it was really hard to get sound cues from the environment.  Finally, I heard the elevator, but it wasn’t where I thought it should be, so I resisted moving toward it, afraid that I’d mistaken the sound of another door for the elevator door.  I think I was finally successful when I stopped trying to go where I thought the elevator should be and headed where the environment was telling me the elevator was.  So, I moved toward that sound, and eventually, I found the elevator, even though it wasn’t where I thought it should be.

     It was a really great feeling completing that bit of the route without intervention from Lauren or Mickey.  I felt very competent and successful in that moment.  It was a powerful feeling for me.  I don’t think I can underestimate the power of teaching students to be successful and then letting them be successful when posed with a challenge.  Under blindfold (and I imagine when people are for-real blind), the world is chaotic and it seems to be happening around you and not always including you.  Having a repertoire of O&M skills must play a huge role in a student’s overall happiness as a result of moving thorough the world confidently.

My Reveal (Take One)

     I’m in awe of Lauren’s skills.  She really did a fantastic job all semester of learning new routes.  I think her excellent sense of direction really made a difference.  It was cool getting the chance to teach someone who learns so easily.  On this last day, my teaching felt a bit off.  I wanted Lauren to get the chance to do everything she’d learned so far.  She was successful at everything she did, but with so many routes, it was hard to give her a chance to show mastery at everything. 

     I really want to be successful on the stairs.  I was frustrated beyond explanation that I couldn’t seem to do it right.  I’ve done enough stairs to understand what I need to do to be successful.  In fact, I’ve messed up enough to anticipate exactly what I’ll do wrong.  That fear of falling makes it really hard to do what I know I should do.  It’s just crazy what a powerful influence fear has on the motor skills and mental processes.  I’m glad I get another chance to do it right.  Perhaps this time, I will be able to push aside the fear.

      That first floor feels like the Twilight Zone where nothing is quite like I expect it should be.  I still don’t know how I got lost or where I went when I was lost last week.  Through the semester, I think I only once had a “normal” run through that floor.  Every other time, I got lost or there were people moving stuff.  That “normal” run was quite a while back, my second or third time, so I’m not even really sure what it should feel like to do that route successfully.   So yeah, I think having a cold and being frustrated from the stairs played a role in my awful trip through the first floor, but I also think I needed another good run through the first floor to build my confidence.

       When I got lost, I liked being challenged to figure out how to get myself out of the problem, but I struggled a bit to get it figured out and act on what I knew I needed to do.  If I can take my need to do things myself and just act on the things I know I need to do, then I think I’ll be a better traveler.  Of course, I’m not really in this course to learn to become a cane traveler for life.  Still, though, I think I can take this real sense of frustration and disconnect between feelings and thoughts and inform my teaching in the future.

       I totally understand putting off the reveal until I could be truly successful. If I’d had the reveal on Thursday, then I wouldn’t have ever felt like I did the route on my own, and I wouldn’t ever feel successful.  So, this time around, I’m ready to take those stairs and knock out the first floor!

Amber's Reveal

            Tuesday was a good day.  It was really interesting to see how powerful vision is.  As Amber was making her trip through her building with sight, she found the stairs in the middle of the building, and she glanced over to the elevator/bathroom area just past the stairs.  With that quick glance, she got more information about the area than she had learned so far in all her lessons.  All that exploration and practice and teaching still didn’t equal the power of her quick glance.  It’s just crazy what we’re trying to do… teaching people to navigate through a world that is set up to be analyzed quickly and efficiently by vision.  What a task we have!  I suppose this is where the real creativity and fun comes in.

The Unveiling

            During our latest lesson, Billy got to have one more opportunity to work in his building.  I think this last lesson was important to build his confidence and reinforce his skills.  Amber and Billy both did excellent work teaching and learning.  I like how Amber always kept trying new approaches and ideas for teaching Billy, and I liked how Billy never really seemed to get flustered, even though he navigated a really complicated building.

            It was pretty cool watching Billy navigate his building after the blindfold came off.  I’m sure he was just taking it all in, but he almost seemed in awe as he walked down the paths he’d taken quite a few times before.  I did notice that at one point, when he was in front of the door to the big classroom on the second floor, Billy felt the wall.  I’m sure he was combining the visual image of the wall with his tactual experience of the carpeted wall.  It was cool to watch.  I am really excited to see my building soon.  I have some confusion about the first floor, but for the most part, I want to see if I’m right about all the rest.

making mistakes

     I could see a real difference in Billy’s demeanor after he was so successful today.  I think it’s something important to build into lessons – opportunities to be successful.  Now, I’m not for setting up situations in which students are never wrong.  It’s definitely important to mess up and learn from it, especially in O&M where errors can have real consequences; they can even be dangerous.  I’m not so sure about this “errorless learning” we’ve been working with in other classes where you dive in and give the right answer so the student doesn't hear/see the wrong answer.  Mistakes are important, especially when they are corrected and explained by a teacher.  I had a professor at Mercer who always taught us to finish a lesson on a success.  It seems pretty obvious, but I’ve found it to be helpful.  If you can ensure finishing up with success, then the struggle to grasp in the middle doesn’t have quite the sting that it might otherwise.

A pretty great day.

     Today, I worked so hard to be more Zen-like and take direction from distracters, not get stuck in the minutia that comes from those distracters. It felt so great to be successful!  I was able to easily correct the few things that didn’t go smoothly, so today felt good.  Other than my big giraffe steps, I think things went really well. I think I really do have a tendency to trail with my left hand when I feel a bit unsure.  I think that hand might have to go in my pocket for a while, especially around the bathroom.

     The first floor got a bit more mysterious today, but I was proud I was able to navigate it successfully.  I really had to work hard on imagining the end of the hall in order to be successful because I couldn’t get the information I needed from following walls.  Because of all those things lining the hall, I wasn’t able to fall back on shore-lining the wall, like I had the past few times.  I couldn’t use my tactual backup.  So really, it was a good thing all that stuff was there because it forced me to use more complex skills.

     Those stairs though, got me, as they tend to do.  It’s still really frustrating.  I know the trouble starts when I start thinking too much and stop moving.  Still, knowing that going down stairs works better if I just go, I can’t always convince myself to make my legs work.  I was able to be pretty successful that first time through (with just a tiny bit of redo), but I felt very reckless and unsafe – kind of like I was running down the stairs.  That second time around, though, I was really off balance, and the stairs didn’t seem to be at right angles, like the first time through.  I was so sure that I was just gonna miss a few stairs entirely.  I even reverted to sliding my foot to find the steps.  I was trying to be subtle (probably not successfully). :-) Now, I realize that reaching with my foot probably just made me more off balance, but in the moment, I was really not into trusting my cane.

     On the teaching side… Lauren learned so quickly!  I wasn’t sure if I was throwing things at her too fast, but each time I checked her knowledge, she was dead on.  She really does have a great sense of direction and concept of the space.  

     I think teaching worked so much better this time around because I spent more time having Lauren show me what she knew.  I think this worked well because she already has a lot of knowledge about the building, and she easily puts together new information.  Many times, she surprised me.  I was intending on teaching part of the route, but today, I first asked to see if she could complete the skill before I taught it.  Every time except the last, she was able to put it together without instruction.  I know that won’t be the case with most students, but it is a good lesson for me in not setting the expectations too low.  If I hadn’t asked Lauren to show me all her skills, I would have spent a bit of time teaching her things she’d already figured out.

           

     So, her final task was an extension of the “let’s see what Lauren can figure out day.”  I wasn’t sure she could do it, but I knew that she’d been introduced to each piece of information she’d need to complete the task.  I had a really hard time letting Lauren be wrong.  So many times, I would have stepped in and given some sort of prompt.  It was a good exercise, I suppose, learning to sit on my hands and bite my tongue.  

Tuesday

     Tuesday, we got to see Billy navigate in his building.  He seemed a bit turned around, and I wonder if it was because of all the people sitting in the chair area.  I wonder if their presence had an impact on Billy’s focus?   I know I would have been more self conscious, but then again, not much seems to faze Billy; he’s so chill under blindfold.

     It was pretty interesting to see Amber when she got disoriented after coming down the stairs into the entrance.  She didn’t know what set of stairs she was on.  It’s funny how quickly our stress and confusion color our impressions and makes it hard to remember what’s going on.  I think it might have been that she was so turned around the first time she learned the route.  It’s hard to make good, solid memories of routes when your brain is otherwise occupied with other things like stress and everything else in the environment.

     I’ve been thinking about the whole being right while teaching thing, and I think I am really going to try focusing less on being right and more on finding a way that works and seeing how that goes.  I think if I act more confident in my teaching choices, I’ll seem more confident and things will go more smoothly.  We’ll see how that goes this time around.

Thursday

            I was more nervous than I anticipated teaching Lauren on Friday.  When trying to plan out how to teach her, I was overwhelmed.  There were so many options, and I had a hard time sorting out all the options.  I know that I needed to be decisive, but that just wasn’t happening.  So, maybe the lesson from Thursday is that I should go with the gut instinct and see what happens.  I know that, like with learning any complicated skill, you’ve just got to give it a try and then reevaluate what you’re going and try again.  I think perhaps I’m struggling a bit with the fact that there isn’t really an absolute right way to teach a route.  I’m just a tad overwhelmed with getting it right.

            I was very uncomfortable keeping Lauren safe on the stairs, especially at first.  I’m sure she could tell; I’m sure everyone could tell.  It kind of a big deal, someone depending on me to keep them safe, and I didn’t want to take it lightly.  I know that my own worry about keeping myself stable on the stairs makes it hard to feel comfortable keeping someone else safe doing the same.   I’m gonna have to work on it. 

           

            It was really nice that Lauren was so successful in learning her route.  I think it was good for us both.  Though, I will say that I felt it was more due to Lauren’s skill than my teaching.  Still, she didn’t die, and I did teach her something, so perhaps I was more successful than I thought. 

            I really liked the quick lesson in my building.  It was nice to be successful and learn a few new things.  After having a pretty frustrating end to my last lesson, it was nice to go back and be successful in a short period of time.  I was cool to expand my understanding of the building, even if it was just learning what the other side of the hallway was like.    

Rugs, Stairs, and Maps

            Today, I really felt like I was able to synthesize more of what I saw.  Maybe I am learning?!  The first thing was that there are lots of things in the environment that you just don’t pay attention to visually.  For example, when Amber got confused about where the stairs were located, it was the multiple rug locations that threw her off.  Until Mickey pointed out that the rug conundrum was her problem, I hadn’t even noticed that there were rugs on the floor.  Obviously, the three or four rugs in the hall are very confusing if you are experiencing the hall tactually.  Visually, I overlooked them because they weren’t important to me moving visually down the hall.  Also, as we went up the stairs in the middle of the building, there was that stretch where the second half of the flight didn’t line up with the first half.  I didn’t even notice the difference until I noticed it throwing Amber off.

            Amber got turned around today, and from my own turned-around experience I can really buy into the idea that you react to the environment in your head instead of reacting to what you are experiencing when blindfolded.  Vision is pretty encompassing; so with little effort, you can see ahead and behind of where you are currently.  When blindfolded, you really only know what you are touching and hearing at that moment.  Even though you can sense sounds from a distance, they are often transient, unlike visual images, which generally last a while.  So, it makes sense that you would be most effective if you base your next move off your current position.  I’m not so sure about this, but perhaps having a detailed floor plan is not so important as knowing where you want to go and then taking steps to get there based on your current location.  I know I have a very visually oriented plan of what my building looks like in my head.  It works great as long as I stay on the path and things that I expect appear as I anticipate them.  But, if I get turned around, my plan doesn’t really help out all that much.  And, of course, there’s the problem with teaching congenitally blind people to visualize the space in that manner.  So, maybe the key really is more like stop thinking so much about what to do and start going to see what you’ll find.

            I get to teach Lauren on Thursday.  I’m a little nervous, but mostly, I’m excited to try it again, implementing what I’ve learned so far.  

Attempt Number Two

     Thursday was most definitely an interesting day.  At the end of it, my brain was so completely full.  I felt very confident finding the elevator and then navigating the second floor.  It was feeling pretty great until those stairs.  There’s some still some serious anxiety about the stairs.  In fact I was just about to cry when I went back up to do the stairs for the second time.  I think it was important to do them again, but, man, I was pretty emotionally on edge.  I will say though, that I was proud of doing them successfully on my second time through.

      So, with the stairs done, I had to get out of the stairwell.  Goodness, I so could not remember that I needed to go up those steps to find the hallway. To come off the feelings of coming down the stairs and not remember how to get out of the stairwell was incredibly frustrating.  I felt very unsuccessful.  I totally couldn’t keep anything straight in my mind.  It really did feel like there were all these stairs to nowhere.  I feelt better about getting out of the stairwell once I got to practice it the first time and do it successfully the second.  Once I got going in the hallway, I was feeling good, but then, I hit that 45 degree angle in the hall, and that’s when I got lost.  It helped when Lauren drew a map drawn for me, but still, I was so confused about how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be. 

       The second round was better up to the point of the open stairwell.  At that point, I was so tired.  I figured it out though, and moved on, but I’m not sure where things went wrong.  I really just wanted to be finished and not think any more because I was so lost.  I had no clue what walls went what way, and the hall quieted down, so I couldn’t really depend on information from other people.  I think in my desire to be finished, I started to make some really silly mistakes – like moving without a plan or destination in mind.

       That first floor is still such a mystery to me.  Still.  I think it might be helpful to come down the first floor hallway from the opposite direction to flesh out my concept of the area.  I think the core of my frustration came from not being able to figure out the problem I was presented with.  I think it’s interesting that I could point to the front door for much of the time, but I had trouble finding what I was looking for.  It’s pretty frustrating, knowing exactly where I want to go and not being able to get there.

       A few times, I heard Mickey prompt me to solicit assistance, and a few things kept me from doing so, because goodness knows, I was in need of assistance.  The first was my pride.  I didn’t want to need help, so I would have rather gotten more lost in an effort to figure it out myself than to have asked for help.  The second, more overriding factor, was that I didn’t have enough information to ask for help. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t think how to ask an intelligent question.  I didn’t know what information I needed from another person.

      I do think too much, that’s for sure.  In the end, when you all stopped responding to my questions, I liked that because I wasn’t tempted to ask questions, I knew I wouldn’t get an answer, so I began to rely exclusively on my ideas. I can tell I will really struggle with answering questions for myself.  Hopefully I can have this tendency brought to my attention enough that I will be able to resist the desire to ask for too much or give too much to my students.

Nursing Building: Take 2

            Today, we headed back to the nursing building and Billy got his second shot at working in his building.  This time around, I was thrown off by the construction downstairs.  I imagine that would be really distracting (not to mention potentially dangerous) for a blind person.  The continually shifting environment would only add anxiety to an already confusing space.

            I noticed that Billy was having trouble in the first floor lobby, so I was trying to think differently about the space.  Perhaps the things that make rooms visually appealing (curved walls, open spaces) might make them a lot harder to navigate with a cane.  I also think those chairs in the entryway are really distracting.  I remember coming across chairs while blindfolded in the office suite in Stone, and each time I hit a chair, I has something new to square off against that threw me off.  I think Billy might be in the same boat.  When you come across a chair with a cane, you can’t tell which side you’re hitting, so you can’t really tell if you’ve found the front or side, since your cane only hits the base.   But, when you see one side of a chair, you can figure out how it stands in relation to the wall automatically.  I wonder how you figure that out without touching more of the chair and looking like a for real blind person.

            I’m pretty excited to go back to my building.  I’m curious to see what I remember, and I’d love to expand my understanding of the building.  Working under blindfold is such a unique and enlightening experience.  I wish we could do it more often!

First Time Teaching

Today, I got my first crack at teaching Lauren.  I did notice that my hesitation and tentativeness caused hesitations in Lauren.  There were times when I went to say something, but being unsure, I didn’t speak loudly enough or I didn’t finish my sentence completely.  Then, Lauren missed what I was saying.  So, in those moments, I feel like I compounded her confusion by giving incomplete/weird directions.

You see, I really, really, REALLY hate to be wrong.  It’s definitely one of my biggest faults.  The natural consequence of hating to be wrong is wanting to do everything right the first time.  So, I spend a lot of my time worrying about doing things right. 

I think there were times when I got overwhelmed with all the things in the environment that I had a hard time narrowing down what would be important to tell Lauren.  So, I either didn’t give her enough information or gave her unnecessary information.  That seems to be a real art – giving just enough to be successful.  I imagine that’s one of things I’ll get better at as I go along.

I wasn’t really sure when to say something and when to let her try it on her own.  Having the feedback from Mickey really helped.  I’ve just have no frame of reference.  I’m excited to get better.  I think it really might just take doing it – teaching Lauren and maybe not doing things the right way in order to figure out the best way that works for both Lauren and me.

Lauren’s amazing on the stairs.  I’m so jealous!  ;-)

Amber's Day

            I feel like I saw a lot of really great things yesterday during Amber’s lesson, but I’m not sure how to process what I saw.  I spend the whole class watching very carefully, but I’m just not sure what I’m seeing.  I’m a bit nervous about trying to help Lauren out as she learns her building tomorrow.  There’s just so much to pay attention to and so many different ways to help.  At this point, I’m just not sure which ways are the right ways and which ways are the wrong ways.  I certainly don’t want to do the wrong things.  For some reason, all the information doesn’t want to collate.  Maybe it’s just too early in the semester.

           

            The one thing that really stuck with me about yesterday was the incredible number of people who stared at us as we went along.  I’m not sure if it was because we were tracking along behind Amber like creepers or if it was because she was “blind.”  I just have to wonder if people who are blind get started at quite as much as Amber did.  It was just unreal.  People who weren’t staring were falling over themselves just to get out of Amber’s way.  I can totally see how social interactions are hard for blind people.  Once you combine the internal issues like not having concepts of personal space with the ways others perceive them, it’s really a miracle that any blind person becomes socially competent.  

Business School: Day 1

            Lots to think about this time… 

            I feel really accomplished today.  I had the chance to begin working in my building, the College of Business.  I was really excited for the challenge, but once the blindfold came on, I was more nervous than I thought I should be.  I guess the idea of entering a building I’d never seen kinda got to me.  It seemed like such an enormous task. Once inside, I had something tangible to tap or touch, and the anxiety left.  Having something to do really helped me feel more secure.  I really liked learning the route, and I loved working out the puzzle.  I typically have a really great sense of direction, but I wasn’t sure it would extend to working under blindfold.  I didn’t know how much of my sense of direction was driven or reinforced by my vision.  Apparently I still retained some sense of direction, but I can now see the tremendous impact of vision on maintaining orientation.   It took so much more focus to do what I typically do so naturally.

            I found that the building being busy was both quite intimidating and really helpful.  I was just sure that I’d run into someone or we’d have an awkward moment, so I tended to freeze up when hearing people approach.  I wonder if blind people do this too?  It makes you seem totally inept, though, like you’re afraid to approach a person.  On the other hand, having the people around gave me so much information.  I was dreading the open stairs on the first floor, but hearing others go up and down them, I felt confident that I was far enough away.  (Plus, you know, the cane helps too.)  Many times, I was able to hear doors open or people moving down the hall to give me clues as to what direction I needed to go.

            I was just blown away at how quickly I began to depend on another person for help.  It kind of disgusts me.  But it’s so easy to see how well meaning people (including me) let that happen.  I think it started off as I verbalized my internal dialogue, you know, “What was that?” or “Where’s the door?.”  As I moved on and I put together that checking out things tactually is way less efficient than having someone else tell me, I began to unconsciously solicit the information, because really, they can see it and I can’t, so they should tell me.  Right?  Wrong.  Figuring it out on my own was so much better.  My concept of the place was more fully formed when I did the discovering.  After Mickey called me on it, I walked with the “I’ll show you who can do this without ANY help” purpose, and it felt good. 

            So, those stairs…    I don’t even know where to start in describing the experience.  The anxiety was through the roof, way higher than doing the stairs in Stone, I think because I’d never seen these.  After I heard that the stairs spiraled, I had in my mind a tight spiral, but what I expected and reality were quite different.  I was totally disoriented on the steps.  There were times I thought I’d squared off on the steps and then noticed I was crooked.  It was like I was in a weird place without right angles.  Horizontal and vertical seemed tilted and wobbly.  Crazy disorienting.  I even froze at the top of one set, just totally unable to move for a few seconds.  I wasn’t thinking about how to approach; I was scared and didn’t want to move.  I’ve frozen like that before, but generally at much greater hights.  These are just stairs, right?  No mountain repelling involved.  It should be easy.  When Mickey said, “Want do the route again?” I didn’t think: “Man, I might not be able to find the bathroom,” or “Man, I don’t wanna bounce off walls.”  Nope.  I thought: “Crap.  There are stairs on this route.”  Going down the stairs again helped, but I really had to fight hard to push back the fear and anxiousness.

            After the stairs, I was so totally wrung out.  I had a really hard time keeping the rest of the route in my head.  I suppose this is because I first learned it after the stress of doing the stairs for the first time, so the route wasn’t terribly well engrained in my mind, and then the second time, I was still so distracted by my anxiousness that I was missing important things and I ended up totally disoriented in my route.  Thinking back, I’m still not sure how I got to the front door of the building from the stairs, and while doing it, I didn’t even know I was at the front door when I was standing right in front of it.  Oh boy.  Lots to learn.

            

9.9.10 - Stairs, Stairs, Stairs, and Guess What? More Stairs

            So, I didn’t die.  I was so sure that I would wipe out and break my face. My anxiety was so incredibly high.  I kept running thought all the things that could go wrong.  Those thoughts made it so hard to focus on anything other than the stairs.  At times, I had to take a moment to calm myself down, as if I were truly distraught.  There was a lot of tension for a simple set of stairs!  

            Though I couldn’t think about anything else, I couldn’t even think clearly about the stairs.  It was like I was just reeling from all the non-productive thoughts.  At times, I was focusing on so many thoughts and ideas that I couldn’t keep anything straight in my mind.  That’s when the big errors came in, I think.  It was also really hard to be sure I was doing the right thing without the visual feedback.  It’s hard to pay attention to how things feel (especially when I’m sure I’ll bite the dust any minute) when I’ve spent a lifetime learning by how things look.

            So, I stumbled several times, and once, I was pretty much a goner, but Mickey kept me from falling.  That really built a lot of confidence both in Mickey’s ability to keep me safe and by ability to not get hurt.  So thanks, Mickey.  I’m grateful.  I feel better about the stairs, but I’m not still crazy about them.  I definitely need some more practice before I feel truly comfortable with stairs.

9.7.10 - Jill and the Hill

            Here’s Tuesday.  First, Jill made her way down the hill.  She didn’t go as far as I would have thought, but still, I need to see some more proof.  The PVC pipe doesn’t weigh as much as we do.  If it were weighted more, then it might provide a more accurate idea.  I’m just thinking too much about all this.  I suppose I’ll have the real life version on Thursday when we go down the stairs.  Sorry Mickey, I’m still not convinced I won’t break my neck going down the stairs. 

            On Tuesday, we worked with the diagonal technique and two point touch.  It was really cool to have the cane in hand and begin learning to use it.  I was way more tense and in my head than I thought I would be.  I’d gotten pretty comfortable walking without the cane so that the addition of the cane felt weird and cumbersome.  It was a really odd sensation, carrying the cane.  I really didn’t know what to do with all the new information.  I suppose that’s where the over-reaction comes in.  I was really startled when the cane hit something.  I suppose I was ready to react like crazy; I’m not sure what I would have been reacting so strongly to.  I imagine that with greater practice, I’ll become more familiar.  I am really excited to learn more. 

About those stairs...

            Tuesday was a cool day in O&M.  I learned a few things.  The first was that I am really not okay going down stairs. The second was that in a crowd, the pausing that takes place to let others pass in front make it harder to gather clues about going up or down stairs.  A few times, Lauren paused while guiding me, and I was sure there were stairs coming soon.  Then, when she paused at the head of the stairs, I thought she was still pausing for the crowd.  So, I was surprised when I felt her go down the stairs.

            Speaking of the stairs…  My life is littered with falling-down-the-stairs stories, and you’d think that would make me more accustomed to the falling process, but the truth is, it hurts to fall down the stairs, so I like to avoid it.  It’s hard to describe what I feel when I head down the stairs blindfolded.  With every step, I have to prepare myself to not freak out during that split second before my foot hits the step.  That split second seems to last forever.  I’m just (irrationally) sure that I’ll just keep falling and falling.  So, all of these things run through my head with each step.  That’s enough brain movement to mess a girl up.  I’m just thinking too much.  In fact, as we headed back to Stone, I was having a hard time keeping up with conversation because I was anticipating the stairs, totally faking myself out.  We were pretty far away, so I missed a lot of time to chat with my classmates.  I can see how blind kids lose chances to make social contacts while they are walking because they are more concerned with maintaining mobility.

Day 1 (Well, Really Day 2)

     Last Thursday, I had my first experience under blindfold for the semester.  We spent the time playing around with echolocation.  At first, I was pretty suspicious about depending so greatly on my hearing.  Because vision is the unifying sense, and I have been relying on it my whole life, it's very hard to put so much faith in the other senses.  I suppose that's the point, though, huh?  Learning to trust the other things I notice so that I can teach others how to do the same.  
     So, back to the echolocation...  After practicing what the walls "feel" like, we headed out to the hall and tried walking down the hall without any sort of help.  The experience was awesome.  I got to go last, and I'm sure the experience of seeing the others not bounce like pinballs really boosted my confidence.  I just tried to walk confidently and pay attention.  It took all the concentration I had, but I was successful.  At the end, my heart was beating so fast.  I was a weird mixture of grateful and proud.
     Being successful was a really awesome feeling.  I had this sort of feeling like when I do something a little dangerous and don't die.  I have this habit of being so cautious that I miss out on cool things.  Like two summers ago, after a week in the mountains, my friends decided to go whitewater rafting.  I was terrified.  I mean, I could break a bone, or heat my head and drown, or get hypothermia in August.  After a LOT of convincing, I just bucked up and did it, and you know what?  Not only did I survive, I had a lot of fun.  It's kind of ridiculous, but well, I drew the parallel.  I felt brave, and I liked the feeling.  I imagine I will have to fight the tendency to hang back and take the safe approach if I'm going to make the most out of this learning experience.